I was such an elitist when I was 15
The world has humbled me several times since then. Also, how to interpret the sometimes quirky sometimes explosively sarcastic tone? Hysteria. I partook in an online sphere were I was an alien, and a real life school environment where my insecurity and scrawny figure had me feeling great shame. The psychological undercurrents are quite obvious: issues I now have a good understanding of are definitely displayed in my writing, but masked. I wrote of a traumatic event as a horror story but changed parts of reality for tropes. Somewhere around that time, at 11-12, puberty, anxiety starts to fester in my writing. Not all, but a lot is posturing, in an odd tone, an insincere modulation of frantic desperation, though it would be unfair to not mention the second undercurrent, the second river if you will, of romantic wonder. My best works, the most genuine, are those were the wonder is unrestricted by desperation. My fantasy novel from 5th grade, the first part of which I can't find, is an example. The Huckbuck and a few of the other message board RP games I created is another. The opposite works; where wonder is suffocated by hysteria and the will to form an identity through differentiation, where my creative drive is hijacked by my desperate will to attain a good standing in hierarchical social communities; is exemplified by the first two posts on this blog. The most terrifying part is that these two streams and their conflux at the base of the creative apparatus remain live and well, both the rivers, but the particular communties I desire standing in has changed, and what is the object of my wonderment has changed to some degree. There is parallel to be drawn to Kierkegaard here. The question is, should the social river be totally drained, or should the community - that which it latches on to and from within which it acts on me - be carefully constructed, a ficticious overculture of tender superhumans. Does it dissolve the desparation that taints the expression? Is this desparation then worth it and something to be endured? We'll see.
